


King Of Something Else

by rubber glue (mistertoothache)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressed Kageyama, Depression, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One-Shot, mentions of self harm, pining boys, sad kageyama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-06 00:27:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11024751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistertoothache/pseuds/rubber%20glue
Summary: Kageyama Tobio is awful and that is the truth.





	King Of Something Else

Hinata has very happy hair, Tobio has come to notice throughout their partnership.

It's orange, like the exquisite flames of the sweltering sun that keeps everything alive, that bathes them with each rising morning. When they jog side by side to the gym his molten curls catch the light and glow like honey. Even though it's messy it's wild with taste, the type of wind blown beauty that Hinata has always had like he just rolled out of bed and was perfect. Effortlessly beautiful and shiny like fresh gold, reflecting light everywhere and burning bright like flitting embers when the sky is luminous, slipping between the leaves and cherry blossoms to paint the orange spikes. 

There are many words to describe the mood Hinata's vibrant hair lights in Kageyama. His hair is happy, excited, determined, fluffy like a basket of tabby kittens, fresh like buckets of spring fruits and flowers. When Tobio lays awake late at night and thinks about his veins and the thought of reaching the surface of this ocean he feels like he's drowning in, he pictures Hinata. Always hair first. Burying his face into it and sobbing until his voice goes hoarse and his tear dry out, until it fades into emptiness and hiccups, until his cheeks swell and ache.

"Kageyama-kun, do you have a girlfriend yet?" Is what Hinata will ask him sometimes when he catches him drowning in himself, even though he doesn't recognize it yet. To him it's just Tobio spacing out and he keeps reminding himself that that's all Hinata will ever be allowed to see. That he doesn't want to keep ruining other people. That he'll chain himself to the bottom of the sea to keep these feelings far from Hinata, to keep himself far from rejection. It's pretty selfish of him and that is what Tobio has always been.

"Idiot, I don't need any damn girls taking up my valuable time and neither do you, so stop thinking about it!" He will bite back in response even though his heart hurts. It hurts so bad he just doesn't know what to do. What would a girl mean to him when his best friend has hair like this? There's already too much strain where he should've felt love. If he has to break a dozen hearts with a cold expression to keep his toxic sludge in a neat little box, then so be it. That's just so selfish. 

A bright red tongue peaks out of Hinata's pink mouth along with a spray of saliva. "So mean! This is why no girls like you! You're awful!"

Hinata's not wrong. His hard set eyes and stony unchanging expression was enough to chase away potential partners. His bright hair is what Tobio will yank. He does it to tide him over. He just wants to feel it. He is not angry at Hinata in the slightest, even if he can be so annoying and oblivious. He does not hate Hinata like he claims. He agrees with Hinata, in fact. Kageyama Tobio is awful and that is the truth.

Sometimes Tobio just wants to scream until his throat is bloody red raw just because his head is about that loud. Most days he doesn't want to live in this world any longer. He just feels sadness that is sticky and creeps into every crevice of his being. He knows he's depressed, but in a way that is different. He is violently depressed, extremely suicidal, but sometimes it's okay because Hinata has happy hair, maybe that's because he has a happy head. Perhaps that is why Tobio's hair is inky black, like dark, _dark_ inky melancholy that will pull you in and never let you go. Maybe that's why he doesn't let Hinata touch his hair. What if it spreads? Or worse, what if it doesn't spread and Tobio is a fucking freak to him? One of two things will happen should he open himself up so he shuts himself down and trudges through with a scowl that could melt ice or put out the sun, should he desire it.

It hits the hardest when they're alone together and Hinata is at his most rambunctious. Tobio knows he has trouble sitting still, or being focused, that's what the adderal is for, and it's not that he thinks it's annoying. It's that he likes it, loves it, loves him, loves every bit of him even the parts that aren't neon orange and that's so fucking scary because he knows Hinata doesn't like him. It's easy to love someone like Hinata, Tobio could fall and fall a hundred times over again. Tobio? Not so much. 

They're supposed to be watching this dumbass movie about some samurai's who are doing some shit that they're not supposed to because they're guilty or something, but he can't pay attention because Hinata's not paying attention and that's what the setter is paying attention to. The short spiker has these jumpy eyes that go all over the room and fidgeting hands that fiddle with loose threads on his tee, lips that are talking nonsensical jumbles. It's annoying and he hates it. It's endearing and he loves it.

"Kageyama-kun?" Hinata says with this sudden urgency as he wiggles down on the couch to plant his head on Tobio's thigh and grip his hand with surprising strength. He tries not to get excited. Reminds himself that Hinata often played with his hands, which included tugging his fingers, cracking his knuckles one by one, and on occasions just holding them. Memories of him doing so after practice when their hands are sweat slicked and clammy flit through and he slips, allows himself to smile a bit. 

"What is it?" Tobio asks, pointedly avoiding looking at their intertwined fingers and feeling the sadness settle in again. He wants this to mean something but it can't. They're both guys. Hinata was the sun. Tobio was an ocean of despair. Loving Hinata was nothing Tobio could've avoided because he's a box full of wonder that entrances and changes everyone. Tobio was a chore and a brute with a lump of coal where there should've been a heart. But if he didn't have a heart, then why did it beat so hard when Hinata's around?

"You ever cut your wrists?"

His beating heart promptly drops into his stomach and he pales. "The fuck are you talking about?" Tobio tries desperately to tug his hand away, but his friends grip is strong and Hinata won't let go. He just presses Tobio's hand to his chest, right over his heart. He sweats, the panic like ocean water filling him up and drowning him from the inside.

"I mean, I know you do. But like." Hinata shifts so that he's on his back instead of his side and looks right up at Tobio's dishonest face with concern. "Why? Doesn't it hurt?"

It never hurts more than the pain in my chest.

That's what he wants to say. He wants to scream it so that it's clear that he doesn't slice open his flesh or spread bruises over his skin just because it's some sort of sick trend. He wishes he could show Hinata, show his mother that it isn't for attention or for petty reasons. He's hurting so much and if he can get just a little bit of relief from the pressure on his chest, making him hyperventilate and choke simultaneously, he will. Even if it makes him ugly. Asking for help is so much harder than they make it out to be, even more so when the common belief is that Tobio will bite the head off of anyone who offers it. 

"It... not that much." Now he's craving the sting that takes him all the way to a grayscale, to a horrible numb. Tobio wishes this would go away, the anxiety and the fear. Isn't he supposed to be confident and headstrong? Then why do his own feelings make him feel like tearing his stomach out? What type of sad wimp was he to justify gashes in his arms and black splotches on his thighs? "It doesn't hurt that much." That's a lie. 

"I don't believe you, Kageyama-kun, I really don't." Hinata says firmly, tugging up his sweater sleeve to reveal all the patches of gauze and blue bruises. They look odd on his muscular forearms. An athlete playing in a depressed teenagers court. It's odd to be both.

Tobio reddens and looks away in shame, his teeth gritting. He did that to himself. He can't put it any other way.

"It's like... Kageyama-kun, do you understand like... how pretty you are?"

He blanches. The world goes blank for a second. "Eh?"

With a frustrated expression, Hinata groans and lays his lips on Tobio's inner wrist, where the tender purple splotches are still healing. "You're just so stupid pretty and when you do stuff like this, I just wonder if you really know what you're doing. Like, the way ya drink water after practice- the way ya frown when you're confused and- and like your hair when we run in the morning. It's all shiny 'n pretty even though it's just plain 'ol black hair! Everything you do is incredible just 'cos it's you... I guess? If that makes sense?Like, you're so beautiful it's annoying but then ya' go and... I don't know. Ya' go and forget that I'm right here. Guess ya' can't be beautiful and smart..."

No. Nonononononono. Tobio's not beautiful, he's - god, no, what was Hinata saying? Did he understand himself? Saying all those weird things that tie Tobio's stomach into dozens of knots and sets insects into his tummy - he's not sure if they're butterflies or maggots, but it's a feeling that isn't depression. "No, shut up, I'm not, you're just, shut up, shut up, shut up,"

"Kageyama-kun, shut up! You're like the stupidest coolest boy I've ever met and it makes me feel really weird like all I want to do is kiss you and hug you and tell you how incredible you are and do really weird stuff to you and this is really hard to say but I really really love you so just shut up and accept my feelings!" He says it all in one breath and is panting afterwards, sun kissed face slowly heating up and he tosses so that he's on his side again, face to Tobio's stomach. "I need you to accept my feelings so we can feel stupid and weird together and so- I can help you! With whatever you need help with! I want all that stupid stuff and I want it with you and no one else!"

He doesn't know what to do. No, this wasn't supposed to happen, Tobio has scars on his body and his mind, he's not okay, he's not normal, he's all... all broken, these feelings he's been harboring were supposed to vanish not flourish but his heart is suddenly slamming against his ribcage and. And he just. Pets his hair. Maybe if his melancholy ink hair can spread upon direct contact, Hinata's golden orange mess will slowly make Tobio alright.

"Hinata-kun, you... your hair is very happy." He says after a long stretch of silence.

Hinata rockets up from his thigh to look at him like he's grown a second head, face inches from Tobio's. "What?!" He squawks, nose scrunching up. "No! What's your answer? I just confessed my love to you that's not an answer! And hair can't be happy, dumb dumb, it's hair!"

"Yes it can, dumb ass." He mutters, knotting his fingers through the fluffy strands and sighing happily. "Because your hair is happy. Really happy. Like in the morning when we jog and it's sunny and perfect. I... fuck, I love your hair. I love you so much. But, my hair is... it's really sad, and I hate it. Black is such a stupid color."

"Tobio, you're not making any sense! You sound stupider than me and I've never gotten double digits on - "

"You don't love me. You can't. No one loves me and no one will. I'm just.... I'm awful. You said it yourself. I mean..." Tobio forces the words out of himself. "If I were the king of anything, it'd be something stupid like sadness. I don't know how to fix this, whatever the fuck I'm doing and I think I'm just supposed to feel terrible and die feeling just like that and you're not supposed to be there when I do! I don't want to drag you down with me,"

"Stop talking nonsense!" His small hands envelope Tobio's face and his warmth sinks in. Kisses are peppered over and over on Tobio's mouth and tears are starting to escape, but he isn't sad. Why is he crying? Why is a sob climbing up and vibrating their connected mouths as he clutches Hinata's hips? The emotions are being strung out of him because Hinata's always been able to invoke the strongest reactions in most everyone he meets. He collects broken things and rather than fixing them, he changes them forever. 

For a moment, they stop. Tobio looks into Hinata's eyes and sees the future that is bright like his hair, sees the past burn and the present is frozen. He smiles, that sly little bastard, how dare he make Tobio think all these things? Why does he make him cry when he's so freaking happy? Hinata made him question the fate he thought he was destined for, endless pain and then a concise demise, and that's terrifying. A kingdom of sadness was a kingdom that governed itself while it's king slowly crumbled. The idea that he'll be anything other than sad is alien, but Hinata's never been predictable. The impossible happens with him in the equation. Nothing makes sense when Hinata's around and all he causes is enormous, life altering impacts. 

"Your hair isn't black like sadness, Kageyama-kun, or whatever it is you meant. It's black like... the sky. The sky when it's really late and there's a bajillion stars out. And it's also black like a whole bunch of crows. It's like... oh! Our uniform! I'm the orange and you're the black! So, that means we'll be together forever and ever and ever and you can't leave me so don't even think about it!"

"What if Karasuno changes the color of their uniforms?" Tobio deadpans, tears drying on his face. Hinata occupies his lap and his expression promises the world and so much more.

"Well then we'll still be together because I said so! And also, you're nothing like a king of sadness, dummy! You're like... uh, the king of something else. Something better, probably. If I love you, that's gotta mean you're good for something!"

He can't help the small crack of harsh laughter that follows. "Something else? How specific. Very convincing."

"Stop talking and enjoy the moment, Tobio!"

He breathes a sigh. Would everything from this moment forward change? Hinata had the power of a dumbass with too much luck for his own good and if Tobio had found himself as the center of his attention, then there wasn't a doubt about it. If anyone had to reach out, he's not terrible sad that it's his best friend who has wild curly hair that glows like orange fire. "Yeah. Whatever, Shouyou."

And enjoy the moment he did.

**Author's Note:**

> this ended abruptly whoops ;p


End file.
